TLW and a question why

I can't describe how Much I'm feeling right now.

It still amazes me, when I think about something and my heart just start pounding so hard... and... when something Happens after that?

Oh, my chest just explode.
It explodes.
I can feel my ribs no more. I breathe through my open chest.
And my heart shivers, and shivers, and shivers.

I just feel too much.
Like in Sappho's poem :

(...)

My bosom glowed; the subtle flame

Ran quick through all my vital frame;

O'er my dim eyes a darkness hung;

My ears with hollow murmurs rung;

 

In dewy damps my limbs were chilled;

My blood with gentle horrors thrilled:

My feeble pulse forgot to play;

I fainted, sunk, and died away.

Oh, that's how it feels.
It brings a smile to my face, and you know what's the most amazing thing?


This is not a beautiful strong emotion.
It's an awful one
A terrible one.

It's how you feel after, like, your dearest one tell you that you're unwanted.
That Nothing itself is better- The Emptiness is better.

And you feel your heart pounding so hard.
It pounds, and pounds, and pounds.


And you're in Shock, you feel Terrible,
but you feel So Much.

It's like ectasy.
And you're - in fact - like a martyr.

Dying for nothing but for the human passion's sake, maybe.
Your passion's sake.

Passion.
I'm so given away I could faint.

Mean

We held hands on the last night on earth.
Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees,
screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves.
It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated
along the bottom of the river.
So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea
and the shattered seasons lay,
and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease.
In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner."
The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide.
We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes
of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress.
The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn
as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop.
The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime.
I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked
if you would accompany me in a quick fall,
but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two.
I rode alone.
You said, "The cinders are falling like snow."
There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty,
bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.
Of blue and grey.
Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city.
The sun was stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon
and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines.
Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward,
and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched
into the earth like a message.

 AFI - (hidden untitled spoken track) - 2003

Di nuovo

Perchè non me l'avete mai detto che sono un mostro, brutti stronzi?

Sixty days are like adolescence itself

Sometimes I get to feelin'
I was back in the old days long ago
When we were kids, when we were young
Things seemed so perfect you know?
The days were endless, we were crazy we were young
The sun was always shinin' we just lived for fun
Sometimes it seems like lately - I just don't know
The rest of my life's been - just a show.
Those were the days of our lives
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing is true
When I look and I find I still love you.
You can't turn back the clock,
you can't turn back the tide
Ain't that a shame?
I'd like to go back one time on a roller coaster ride
When life was just a game
No use sitting and thinkin' on what you did
When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids
Sometimes it seems like lately I just don't know
Better sit back and go with the flow
Cos these are the days of our lives
They've flown in the swiftness of time
These days are all gone now but some things remain
When I look and I find no change
Those were the days of our lives yeah
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing's still true
When I look and I find, I still love you,
I still love you.

"And then Home..." ?

Yesterday evening I was feeling quite bad, but it felt like this week's crisis was on its way to end.
The lightbulb in my room broke some days ago, so days are -literally- darker than usual.
Towards dinner time I was like frustrated and stuff, so I started playing 'Perfect day' by Lou Reed on guitar. That's really an awesome song.
You feel good? "Perfect day" fits.
You feel bad? That song fits.
You're engaged? It fits.
You've just been dumped? It fits.
You're about to hang yourself? It fits.

So I was playing - and singing softly, expecting my parents to call me for dinner any moment.
Kept playing and singing, over and over, but everytime I stopped I didn't hear a sound.
Then I thought something should've happened, because it was just... odd.

I went downstairs; the table was set (I did it myself in the late afternoon), but nothing was on fire. My mother wasn't there (in the room), and my father was in the bathroom, washing himself.
I asked him what was I supposed to cook, as warmly as I could.
He replied : "Don't know. You (me and my sister) think about it yourself.", and then he went to bed.

Not much of a deal, apparently, but my mother probably went bed early because she was... 'sick', and my father's heart is going worse and worse.
Ready, set, fall.
These last days my parents have pratically been my only company, and the 'think about it yourself' thing hit me.
No probs if I've to think about it myself.
But the harsh tone, and the whole gloomy atmosphere, it fucked me up.
I didn't know if my mother was fine or not, I didn't know if he was about to have a heart-attack or something.
So, I think I dissociated, or something like that.

When I went downstairs it was like 8.30 pm. Don't know what I did after the bathroom episode.
Then it suddenly was 10.20 pm. I was on the bed, on the sheets, curled-up.
The window was open and it was completely dark.
I've longed for my phone with a hand, found it, took headphones and played a two-songs playlist in loop.
"Perfect day" - guess what - and "These are the days of our lives" by Queen.

I took my prescripted dose of pills while listening.
I never take the right dose, I always drop one pill or nothing at all instead of two.

I needed someone to keep me busy, talking.
I don't have many people to call when I'm so crumbled-up. I could barely move.
I tried calling Kisu. She answered, but couldn't hear me. My voice was too low.
When I tried to raise it, I just broke down and cried.
She asked me what was happened, I obviously replied 'Nothing'.
She was having a cup of coffee with a friend. But it was the night before an exam - today she got the exam.
I thought I could ask her to take a brief pause, in case she was studying, and ask her to tell me something.
A story. Any crap. Something.
But since she was in company and I was in a very pitiful (and maybe a bit loud) state I just told her 'Good luck for tomorrow. I will call you.'
Can't remember what she replied. 'Back at you', maybe.

I thought about taking an overdose of tablets, but my sister was still awake, and I thought about my trip.
Then I thought about having a walk, but I couldn't move. Then I just fell asleep.

I woke up at 3 am because I had a nightmare.
Not the creepy-horrorific ones, my usual ones. Sappy crap.
Well, sadder than sappy, this time.

I listened to some music, again, until my parents left for work.
Then I went downstairs. It was 6 am. The kitchen was a total mess.
I cleaned-up everything. I had Damien Rice on.

And now I'm in bed, in a sort of alert state.

The Enthusiasm Slide(-show)

(100 things that make my heart explode [such a gruesome image for such an incredible feeling] )

1) Let the right one in - Eli's eyes, the kiss, the couple holding hands in bed, the morse code exchanges, Oskar's goofy hug in front of the candy store, the pool scene / Oskar's rescue, Eli twirling to show the dress she put on.

2) Brendon (comic) - His extremely brief love story with Anja, his childhood, his crush for Demi and how lonely and hopeless he felt when he was 12, the characters' names, the cities' names, the archaic expressions, the dreamy feeling you've reading every single volume.

...Enough for today, children. We'll go on tomorrow. Any question?

When flames and powder kiss

I'm not the angry kind.
If you've read some of my other posts, then you already know about that.

But I'm not a saint either, nor I am a new-age guy who force himself to be in peace with the shitty twirling world and stuff.

I just read a quote from a movie and something 'exploded' in me. Something broke out.
I can't exactly explain why. But I know that I should have said something like that to Somebody, a few weeks ago.

 'Don't do that to yourself?' 

Wow... You know, that is so thoughtful! You are speaking to me so selflessly! I mean, you just don't want me to do that for my own benefit? Wow, I'm touched. Now, why don't we imagine someone saying the same thing to you at a random moment? Imagine that when you totally fucked someone else's soul... I was sitting by your side, saying, "Stop, don't do that to yourself." Would you have listened? "Stop. Don't do that to yourself."

I let people go, I never try to keep them close if they manifest the will to leave. Never.
But leaving me, then going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth through time, it's so damn humiliating.
Just leave, for God's sake! Leave and let me be!
What's the point in keepin' hurting my feelings this way?

Let Me Make My Decisions.
And leave me alone.


And another thing : I'm not gonna end up like most of the adult BDD sufferers.
Never on earth.
No fuckin' way.
Why? Maybe there's too much pride in me? Or is it just that I Do Care about myself?
Is it really a way of Caring about myself?
I'm sure it's not, from somebody else's point of view.

So maybe there's too much pride in me.

I almost thought 'the people on the hill' had me, but they don't.
Nor they will.
I ain't born to live in a cage.

Things I do during days of crisis #1

Sometimes I make music videos of series/movies that I like.


I made this one with footage from Sophie's therapy in 'In Treatment'.

Maybe I felt the urge to do it because I miss the figure of a therapist... who knows.

BDD's everyday challenge : awakening

This is probably the most challenging moment of the day for us : waking up from your sleep.

You open your eyes and someway feel like you're already late, it doesn't matter how early you woke up or if it's just the week-end and you don't have plans.
You wake-up and you know that the sun is already up in the sky (or in it's way to rise) and the world expect you to live this day normally, with attitude and a smile upon your face.

I feel I have to point out something once again; that bdd sufferers are not necessarily depressed.
Me, for example, I'm not depressed at all, or well, I don't feel like I'm suffering from depression. I don't hate life, nor I think it's meaningless. I don't think I'm useless, and I never thought sunny days are slumberless or else.
Bdd sufferers can have different kind of fears and different kind of issues. Most of them are mirrors-related, and that's pratically a fact. Some others have major issues exposing themselves to certain persons (parents, or a particular friend, or a fiancé/ée). Again, some other are scared to death of sunlight and the way light underline all their flaws.

The part I hate the most of the awakening - the most painful to me - is how gradually you come to remember your condition. Gradually, but fast.
I open my eyes and breathe some air in, and it feels nice. Then I see that the room is partially enlightened and I think "My, I wish I could get out and take a look around, but I can't. I can't stand sunlight."
Then I hear some noise downstairs and again : "I'm hungry. Could go downstairs and have breakfast, but I'm ashamed of exposing myself to my parents, with this light."
And if someone asks you to do something outdoor, you know what you'd like to answer... but you also know your limits.

You're basically a prisoner.

A nice girl wrote me a couple of messages some days ago, telling me that she has a close sibling with my same disease.
Judging from what she told me she's doing really good with him.

I'd feel like giving her a tip, now.
I'd suggest her to smile at this person when she greets him in the morning, if it comes natural enough to her.

Personally, if my family smiled at me in the morning things could turn a little easier.

"Kimochi warui."

This is a japanese expression I've had in my head all this morning.


Kimochi warui
.

"The following is a list of possible translation (...) There is no one correct translation.

"kimochi warui" can translate to:

• I feel sick
  
• I don't feel well
  
• What a disgusting feeling
  
• How disgusting
  
• I don't like this feeling
  
• This feeling sucks

Of course this is by no means an exhaustive list but you get the idea."

quote:

---

"(He) renounced the world where all hearts had melted into one and accepted each other unconditionally. His desire... to live with 'others' -- other hearts that would sometimes reject him, even deny him. That is why the first thing he did after coming to his senses was to place his hands around (Her) neck. To feel the existence of an 'other'. To confirm (make sure of) rejection and denial."

---

Mixed-up

It's been a while since I've shared some nice thoughts on this blog.

The nice ones work in such a mysterious way to me. They're very sudden and warm, and leave me confused and dazed.
I don't feel much anymore, that's the point. But when I do feel something, specially something positive, it just kinda explode.
And I've to admit that often I don't feel like loving it.

But, when it happens, I sure feel like sharing it.

Well, maybe it's not much of a thought, but still - it is to me.

I love my best friend.

I kinda feel mixed-up towards her most of the time, because of what I'm going through and the way I'm dealing with emotions right now, but sometimes it just comes up to my mind in such a clear way, that I love her so much that it scares me.
It scares the hell out of me.
Luckly it doesn't last much. I obviously know - and feel - I love her all the time, but it's not that clear.

Our intimacy still amaze me, but it amaze the others much more.
We're really something, together.
And we've always just been friends and never wanted anything more.
We're like brother and sister, maybe.

That's one thing I'm proud of.

It's about time

February

I wanted to write something, but no much comes out... but there are some quotes - all from the same source - that synthetize what I'd like to express.

I'm sorry I can't do better on my own. And I'm glad that his blog has reached 1.300+ visits.
Thanks to everyone.
I know some the visitors, but I'd like to thanks the ones I don't know in particular.

- "It would be so easy...to let my fate just carry me away...following this same path my whole life through. But I know...I can't. What I do, I do...with no regrets."

- "Sacrifices... they're never futile, but they're never ending."

- "Now it's time to shape our stories."

- "You always said I looked grumpy, but those were the happiest days of my life."

Moments pass though time remains

There's a song in particular that makes me wonder about how would it be being a normal guy, with his standard daily routine, crazy nights, friends who give a fuck, unexpected-exciting changes and so on...

I'm about to include the extended lyrics of the live version; this way the song gets damn long... but still enjoyable.

I should be writing about how I feel today, but I don't feel like cursing around.

(ok, I've re-read it.. it might appear as a damn sad song, but it's not so sad to me. It's fresh.)

'Mannen i den vita hatten' (The man with the white hat)


A row of benches in a restless late April
I look over my shoulder and see you blink
I can have you whenever you want
A wind blows trash along the corridor one last time
And you and I hold our breath and hold hands during the leap
It’s not so far from home

Still there are thousands of tears left
They were yours to give to anyone
At last
They are the most precious jewellery you have
So never apologise again
At last we cross their borders

Do you remember our blood-oath, our law
Our stupid crusade toward an equally stupid city
I remember it all, like nails on glass
But you just laugh at me, reduce everything to a joke
But I can see in your anxious posture, your hunting look that it feels
That it’s a long way home

And soon there are no tears left
They were ours to give to anyone
At last
They are the most precious jewellery we have
So never apologise again
At last you set your own borders

That boy I never knew
Who walked on streets I never saw
And thought thoughts I never thought
Under a thin and wispy hair

And all the emotions struck and exploded
Every day full of holes
In a time when nothing happened
In a town that always slept

But darling we were all once little
Yes, we were all once little
Yes, we were all once little

I throw stones in my glass-house
I throw darts in my incubator
And so I grow my fear
Yes I constantly sow new seeds

And in my green-house I'm safe
There, envy grows bright and green
I am scared out of my life of living
And I am scared to death of dying

But darling we will all one day die
Yes, we will all one day die
Yes, we will all one day die

We will all one day die
We will all one day die
We will all one day die

(The following lines are only sung during live performances)
A dyslexic little cowboy
Rules the world from a country
Where the Christian white conservatives
And NRA go hand in hand
And we dance to their tune
Fatten fat wonderkids
With a big mac in front of the tv
Like a true American

I am 40 years from death
According to today’s statistics
It is a soothing thought
That we have such little time

And it's hard for me to show my feelings
When it's not about us
And I have never had an opinion
Never carried any cross

And time softly crushes your resistance
It will melt away like snow
Until you hit your cane against the wall
That you built around your island

And all your friends
And your entire family
They walk swiftly towards the day
When they will no longer exist

But darling we will all one day die
Yes we will all one day die
Yes we will all one day die

And he who stares out from the mirror
It can’t be me, can it?
When did I become so ugly and tired and old
So lonely, cowardly and weak
And you hate who you become
And despise who you were

Is there no god in the world
That can give you an answer
Other than we will all one day die
Yes we will all one day die
Yes we will all one day die

I hate the songs I've written
I hate everything I've ever said
And I hate who I've become
When I thought I had control
I hate the clichés I've spread
On singing and dancing and liquor
Maybe one should commit suicide now
But I really like it in my suite
Darling, we will all one day die

So you took my hand in the crowd
And said darling everything is shit
And my cynical heart flickers
When the love of my life draws her knife
You said: We'll go to heaven together, won't we?
But make the most of our time
And I hear the bells ringing
For the oldest pick up line in the world
You said: Darling we will all one day die

Yes we will all one day die
Yes we will all one day die
Yes we will all one day die

I have always liked weakness
Like sex and bragging and drugs
There is always a way out
And I have never been strong
In my head burned a contradiction
A wildfire in a park
Where one hundred thousand monkeys
Filled blank sheets of paper
With the words we will all one day die

And I will protect those I love
With heart, body and soul
I will protect them against life
Which is hard and ugly and brittle
I will give them all that is left
When I am finished with this
I will give them something that helps
Against an evil and toxic world
Darling we will all one day die

What I want cannot be bought
Not stolen, got on loan
What I want cannot be owned
It is so much greater than that
I throw paper planes from the high-rise
At a spark hidden in the snow
I must believe that it can happen
I must dream my own dream

For you and I will never die
No, you and I will never die

I think I know what everything is about
I think I finally understand
That there is no magic shortcut
No smoke and no trace
And there is no easy solution
Nothing black and white, only gray
You take what you've been given
And say I love what I have

You and I will never die
No, you and I will never die
No, you and I will never die

What we have will never die
No, what we have will never die
What we have will never die

Bullshits

I knew it. I knew it.

DDSS

"He told me I fuck like someone who had been molested."
(In Treatment - Sophie, week 4)

Hah. I'm pretty sure someone I've been engaged to always wanted to tell me something like that.